I got a phone call from an old friend today. I thought the strange number on my cell might end in my second telemarker hang-up for the day, but I was surprised to hear Tim’s voice on the line. He was a good friend who I went to school and did ministry with in China, a really great guy who I used to envision myself marrying to create the perfect adventurous missionary couple. Ha, that was clearly not meant to be and woe is me if he reads this sometime, but I’m a lot more transparent than I used to be, and I realize, it doesn’t really matter if he knows that.
I guess it’s been about two years since we spoke, since I got all crazy, left my para-church college world and shocked most of my friends with my decision to get married. I chuckle about it now because I was so impulsive, or so it seemed on the outside. On the inside, I had been pondering my life, my ongoing committment to some sort of evangelical ministry, my faith at it’s core, for a while. My decisions just seemed shocking because I was too afraid to be a back-stepper, a doubter, a questioner, a church drop-out, to allow my thoughts to air among my closest friends. It’s all so silly now. What if I had been more consistently open, transparent, during that time? Would it have been easier? I don’t know. Maybe so, maybe not.
I couldn’t bear the typical response – the probing questions, seeing the look on people’s faces as they judged me for no longer being the righteous, right-on-track young Christian woman I was cracked up to be. I don’t know, perhaps I am too harsh on my old church companions. I know my close friends no longer see me this way, probably they never did, because they are amazing, but those on the fringe, I feel like I know how they are thinking, because that was me, categorizing people, judging by their in-ness or out-ness of a certain circle of faith.
Subject change, I am reading a really good book–a Generous Orthodoxy, by Brian McLaren, who’s a leader in the emergent church movement. There are several new links on my site because of my recent interest in this subject. I’ve definitely still got a lot of issues with Christiainity, but reading authors like McLaren, who boldly discuss the weaknesses of the church while still standing by the teachings of Jesus is good for me.
I’ve also got a lot of desire to write lately. I have all these scenes to write drifting around in my head. I’m not much for a narrative so far, but I’ll have details when I get there.