Cheney-gate

I know this is totally overblown and this isn’t what a blog is for, but my dad sent me these jokes from the late-night hosts regarding the Cheney shooting, and some of them are hilarious. Here are my favorites:

“I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on: Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume.”
–Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. I don’t want to say Fox News was lenient, but the first question they asked was, ‘Who do you like in American Idol?'” –Jay Leno

“Here’s my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that’s what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?”– Jay Leno

“Over the weekend while on a hunting trip down in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party. He apologized. In fact, he told Brit Hume that he was actually trying to hit Cindy Sheehan.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, “How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?” –Jay Leno

“Evil Democrat Empire? I got news for you, if we’re going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are, at best, Ewoks.” –Jon Stewart, on a Republican spoof video comparing Democrats to the evil Empire in Star Wars “The comic book makers of ‘Batman’ have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan.” –David Letterman

“Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn’t say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I’m thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq.” –David Letterman

“Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they’re hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they’re hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan” –David Letterman

“Today, President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind him.” –Jay Leno

“America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being called ‘Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'” –Jon Stewart

“He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he’d give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everybody is in the Valentine’s mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow.” –David Letterman

“If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they’re going to have to tell the president.” –David Letterman

“You can’t blame [Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, ‘Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'” –Jay Leno

“I’m surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment.” –Jay Leno

“What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.” –Jay Leno

“The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what’s really scary about all of this — what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?”–Jay Leno

“The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card.” –Jay Leno

“After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, “You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off.” –Jay Leno

“Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we’re going to downgrade the condition of this story from ‘Incredibly Hilarious’ to ‘Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'” –Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered

“It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn’t have a license to go into Iraq.” –David Letterman

“Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he’s fine. He took a little in the wallet.” –David Letterman

“I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, ‘Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'” –Jay Leno

“When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.” –Jon Stewart “Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. … But it also raises
a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. … moms, dads, if you’re watching right now, I can’t emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don’t care what kind of lucrative contracts they’re trying to land, or energy regulations they’re trying to get lifted — it’s just not worth it.” –Jon Stewart

“The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington’s face.” –“Daily Show” correspondent Rob Corddry

“This is a great story. You’ve got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He’s a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn’t killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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3 Responses to Cheney-gate

  1. Mary says:

    best one is jon stewart’s changing of the story from “incredibly hilarious” to “still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.”

    hilarious.

  2. Laura says:

    yeah, I love Jay turning to Kevin and wondering if the police ever come back the next day in the hood.

  3. allan says:

    That cracked me up. Amazing how a potentially horrific accident can create so many hilarious jokes. Yes indeed I laughed so hard at the next day in the hood one.

    Hope you are well. Later

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