I’ve got 3.5 hours before an evening program I plan to attend here at the law school. My trial-level brief is due Wednesday, and while it’s inevitable this will consume my weekend, I have dedicated this chunk of time to getting a good start. I’ve got some new tunes (Neko Case’s new “Middle Cyclone” album), the anticipation of tasty dinner at the program, and nothing distracting around but the internet.
Sometimes I need to begin a productive writing session with a little writing for pleasure. And so here I am. Ten minutes to be me. I think I’d like to talk about Change. (And no, Dad, this has nothing to do with our esteemed President).
I like change. I would even say I thrive on it. I am easily bored and enjoy being out of my comfort zone, at least to a certain extent. I get excited about big life changes, like law school. I was never quite sure how to respond when people used to ask me if I was scared about how hard it would be or what it would be like to quit working. Those just seem like silly questions, concerns overshadowed by the excitement of doing something new for myself, for my future.
But this baby thing…. Now law school at 29 going on 30, that’s change. Having a baby, that’s Change. Unavoidable, really, as my stomach grows and I imagine a tiny person turning around in there, as I have learned it now may do.
Last night my roommate and I talked about her and her soon-to-be-husband’s plans on applying to the Peace Corps. In the short time I have known this couple, I can’t think of anything more perfect for them, and I hope they end up somewhere amazing, doing good work, living life to the fullest, all of that. Traveling, delving into culture and society, doing new exciting things – these have always been my litmus for living life to its fullest. Family life has never been that goal for me. Being married and having kids has never been a destination for me in life.
Don’t get my wrong. Marriage is good. And I’m excited to have the baby, but it’s also a scary thing for my fiercely independent, do-as-I-please regardless-of-what-others-think mentality. Last night my roommate wondered if the Peace Corps placed people in Mexico, I said, “no, not Mexico…. I hope you guys end up in Peru or somewhere where I can live vicariously through your experiences.” She said “yeah, you could come visit.”
Fab idea, I thought, imagining what it would be like to hike Macchu Pichu and experience another new cuisine. A little later I remembered that my freedom and autonomy peaked in years passed, and soon something, someone, will depend on me to a degree I’ve never fathomed.
This all sounds like a sad story from someone who should be grateful for everything I have. I am grateful – for my life and the opportunities I have and to have gotten pregnant easily and so far, without complication. But letting go of that independence is something that hasn’t been an issue in my marriage, and is just hard for me. I hope it magically changes when the baby is born. I hope I forget, at least temporarily, about wanting to see the world and want nothing but to hang out with my baby.